I’ve talked at length about how developing your sexual mindset is an essential part of creating the sex life you crave. Part of that sexual mindset involves giving yourself the freedom to fantasize about sex. But, once you’re free to enjoy your fantasies, what are you supposed to do with them?
As a sex therapist, I often find that people are ashamed of their sexual fantasies. They worry that fantasizing about BDSM makes them a freak or that fantasy about a hot coworker is akin to infidelity. The truth is that most people have sexual fantasies – they are a normal part of being human. Fantasizing does not mean you’re unsatisfied with your current sex life.
Let’s stop fighting our sexual fantasies and instead use them to ramp up our sex lives. This art
icle will share the benefits of sexual fantasies and then tell you how you can use sex toys to explore the most common sexual fantasies.
Benefits of Enjoying Sexual Fantasies
The most significant erogenous zone in your body is your brain. Mental stimulation is vital to starting your arousal cycle and keeping you in a sexual groove. Sex fantasies allow you to escape from the constraints of your everyday life, which makes it easier to explore things that you may worry are taboo.
Indulging in sexual fantasy during masturbation can help keep your mind focused on pleasure and away from your to-do list. You can fantasize on your own – like an erotic daydream – or use pornography, erotic stories, or a combination of everything to heighten your arousal. Our brains are storytelling experts, so rather than fight it, use the story your brain is telling to improve your chances of orgasm.
Sexual fantasies can also help you explore your sexual orientation. Maybe you’re curious about sex with other women. In that case, watching lesbian pornography or reading scenes involving same-sex partners can help you decide if it’s something you want to try. 
If you’re in a long-term relationship, it is common to find arousal difficult. The stress of everyday life and the constant exposure to your partner can inhibit desire, and sex fantasies can help bridge the gap between “I think I might want to” and “Oh, baby, touch me there again!” You can share your fantasies with your partner if you wish – and maybe even try out roleplaying – but you don’t have to. Your thoughts stay private as long as you want them to.
If you aren’t in the mood to share your fantasy about public sex with your partner just yet, take a few moments before you want to engage in sexy time together to get yourself revved up. Perhaps take a warm bath and indulge in a fantasy about sex in a public hot tub before you get out and pounce on your partner. They’ll be too excited to worry about what thoughts got you into bed.
What are the differences between sexual fantasies and sexual desires?
Most people have sexual fantasies they never actually want to try in real life. Just because you fantasize about an orgy on the conference table at work doesn’t mean you want
to engage in group sex with your coworkers. All it means is that you have an active imagination, and the idea of group sex is a turn-on for you.
Sexual desires, unlike erotic thoughts, are the things you do want to try. These are the items you put on your sexual bucket list. Sure, plenty of things can exist as both desires and fantasies, but just because you fantasize about something doesn’t mean you want it.
The Most Common Sexual Fantasies (and How to Bring Them to Life)
For those of you that have sexual fantasies you’d like to explore (even a tiny bit) in real life, it’s important to remember that trying something once doesn’t mean you have to do it again. However, sexual exploration is the key to finding out your desires.
Sexual fantasies are as diverse as people, but these six fantasies are pretty common. Read on for a description of each and some tips for trying them out alone or with a partner.
Group sex
Many people fantasize about multi-partner sex ranging from threesomes to large orgies. Perhaps you fantasize about including another man or woman with your partner, or maybe the idea of lots of bodies, skin, and eroticism is more your speed. Whatever the case, you can explore the concept of group sex without involving actual people.
If you’re exploring during a solo session, try using a remote-controlled vibrator so that your hands are free to roam and explore your erogenous zones. At the same time, you listen to erotica or let your mind wander through a threesome fantasy. Suppose you enjoy that you can move on to trying vibrators that access more than one spot at a time. Vibrators designed for simultaneous vaginal and anal penetration can mimic double penetration.
You can use all these tips with your partner as well. Many women worry that telling their partner they fantasize about a threesome will cause their partner to feel inadequate. Try having the conversation out of the bedroom and explaining that this is simply a fantasy you have and that you want to explore it with sex toys, not necessarily with another person – at least not yet. A vibrator that simulates oral sex is an ideal choice for exploring the idea of a threesome with your partner.
Exhibitionism and Voyeurism
Exhibitionists enjoy having sex in public places or having others watch through windows or doorways. It’s the thrill of being caught that gets them excited. Sex, in our culture, is supposed to remain private, so fantasies about exhibitionism fall into the sexual taboo category.
People interested in voyeurism are the ones who enjoy watching. If you fantasize about watching others have sex, a voyeur fantasy is more your speed.
Many people are happy to leave this fantasy as an erotic daydream and not bring it into real life. If you want to explore the idea of public sex alone or with a partner, try mutual masturbation, where you masturbate with or without a vibrator while your partner watches. If you aren’t ready to involve your partner, masturbating in front of a mirror can have a similar effect. You can also visit a sex club (take a trusted friend or partner) with plans only to watch to get your voyeurism fill.
Rough sex
Power, control, paddles, whips, and bondage tape, oh my! Rough sex fantasies are so common Rhianna sang a song about it. Rough sex can include bondage, dominance, submission, sadomasochism, or BDSM and may consist of milder forms of spanking or fetish play.
Submission is a widespread fantasy for people who feel they have to be in control in every other area of their lives. Sexual fantasies about giving up control allow them to relax and enjoy receiving pleasure.
Rough sex play involves an immense amount of trust and vulnerability with your partner, so you may want to explore it on your own before letting your partner know what you want to explore together. If you’d like to explore bondage, try tying your ankles together with cuffs or a silk scarf while you masturbate. It’s best to leave your hands untethered when you’re flying solo for safety reasons.
You can explore spanking fantasies by using a paddle or riding crop to stimulate your inner thighs, buttocks, or breasts to see if bringing that fantasy to life is something you want to explore with your partner.
If you want to explore rough sex in your sexual relationship, it’s vital to discuss what is on the menu. You may want to write a menu of what you want to try and what you don’t. Watching porn or reading erotica together may help you create a list of limits. Set clear boundaries, and have a safe word that you can use to stop playtime immediately if you find any BDSM components are a bit too much for you.
Open relationships and polyamory
Fantasizing about having an open relationship where you and your partner enjoy casual sex with other people but maintaining your connection’s safety and security is a common fantasy. Some people fantasize about being polyamorous, which means having more than one partner and not limiting other relationships to casual sex.
If this is your fantasy, it’s easy to indulge it on your own by letting your daydream run wild during masturbation, but you can also involve your partner by trying out some role play. Try having your partner meet you at a bar or restaurant for a date, but each of you adopts a different persona for the evening. This type of play can spice up a monogamous relationship and include your partner in your fantasy life.
Passion and Romance
Passion and Romance is the stuff of Danielle Steele novels. A strong, attractive partner can’t keep their hands off of you. What begins as an innocent kiss quickly becomes a tangle of limbs and a sweat-filled tumble onto the bed. A lengthy round of foreplay leads to explosive orgasms.
We often crave passion and romance because it helps our minds move from the business of our days into our sexual mindset. If you find yourself fantasizing about candlelit dinners and passionate kisses, try romancing yourself before your next solo session. Your favorite wine, a silky chemise, and your favorite sexy tunes can help prepare your mind and body for pleasure.
Do You Experience Shame or Guilt With Sexual Fantasies?
Many women struggle to enjoy their sexual fantasies because they feel shame and guilt associated with sexual desire and pleasure. Women learn from societal norms, religious leaders, and parents that sexual desire is a primarily male experience. They think being sexual is shameful.
Shame keeps women caged, and you don’t have to live in that space. As a sex therapist, I work with women who want to enjoy a life of pleasure (and orgasms) without shame or guilt. Pleasure is your birthright.
If you’re ready to reinvigorate your sex life and indulge in some of your sexual fantasies, I invite you to download my FREE Goddess Mindset Journal so you can get clear on what your desires are and learn to embrace pleasure in your life.